Life Is Vainly Spent

June 16, 2008

Learning how to take small steps and not get ahead of oneself is hard, and also emotionally draining. It is so easy to imagine the way one wish things were, only to be disappointed by seeing the world as it is, all simply because of the act of removing the pink-glassed glasses.

The metamorphosis one has to undergo from dreamer to cynic is hard, but I hope that I in the end still will have the pink-glassed glasses stuffed away in my pocket for times of need.

And again, I ask the question: Why is life the time one spends on other things? All the time that I spend dreaming about the life I would like to lead I could very well use for actually realizing said dreams. Though, I have tried to use my time and actually accomplish something, only to realize that most processes take more time than I have the patience to go through.

Still, I wonder, why does it seem like my life lies in the future when I am here, right now?

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Living Is Like Sleeping

March 13, 2008

I suffer from insomnia, more often than that it may be considered a rare occurrance. The reasons for why I suffer from the condition are many, but one cause is more prominent than all others. It is waking up that I dread. During my sleep I am pleasantly disconnected from the world. A black void of nothing surrounds me for the hours during which I am blessed by sleep. The void is uncluttered by dreams. It is like a scar in the pace of time, a wormhole which allows me to travel faster than light during the hours which pass from late night to early afternoons. Upon awakening, the whole world and its misery comes clashing into my world of nothing. It is a futile battle my peaceful, voidy night-world fights with the arrival of day.

Life is just like sleeping. The worst part is waking up. I have reached the stage of awakening in my life. I have opened my eyes, having been asleep for 18 years. Now, I see the world with alert eyes, and I do not like what I see. I can not believe that I have been stuck in a dream for so long, I, the one who never dreams. I have adored the black void which I enter every night. I have dreaded waking up, something which nurtured my insomnia. Now, that I have awoken from the sleep of life, I am in the worst morning-mood of my life. And I have no problems understanding it, as I know myself.

I have come to realize that the world is no perfect place. Upon realizing this, I have seen my future life shatter before my eyes. I saw the house of my dreams go up in flames, an arson fire set by a delusional pyromaniac. My future family – the man of my dreams and the children I already adore – are no more. They were gunned down in cold blood by one of the damaged youths of our society in decay. Out of all my dreams, nothing is left but some scattered debris. And in the middle of the misery, is none other than yours truly undersigned, a person who finally had awoken to see the world for what it truly is.

My whole life up until now has been a pleasant dream. I actually believed in the good nature of man and the encouraging words of that everyone may live the life of their dreams. Having awoken from this enchanted sleep, I am so beaten and so worn down. To realize, that is the worst curse of them all.

My dreams may have been vain, but they are what have kept me alive. I dreamed of a life of happiness. I did not ask much of life, and in my innocence, I actually believed that I could be blessed with the things of my dreams. For, it takes very little to make me happy – only the prospect of a happy, future life, including nothing but a wonderful family, a fulfilling occupation and a nice house to call home. Really, it was vain and immature of me to believe that there actually is such a thing as a happy life. Not a perfect life, there is no such thing, but I actually did believe in the promise of a happy life. I have now come to realize that there is no such thing as happiness.

There are no truly happy people in this world. There is always something which induces sadness and cynism in our lives. I ask you, you who are reading this, are you truly happy? I think not. No matter who you are and where you live, there is something which lies heavy on your shoulders, a painful burden which never will set you free.

The world is a mere charade. There are pictures which remind us of dreams, but pictures are never truthful – they always lie. One may see a picture of a wonderful place, an apartment for a person who just has started to live their life far away from their childhood home. Upon further inspection, one realizes that the percieved slice of paradise is nothing more but a filial to hell. Truth is that all aspects of life are like that. There is nothing one can do to change the world for the better, for a single voice is too faint to actually be heard.

I have started to believe that life is a big joke, and that there somewhere in the universe is a witty character who has the greatest time of his life, watching the joke as it unfolds. There is no point in being part of a joke where there is nothing to be won. To having woken up from a pleasant dream and realize that life is a mere joke, that is the greatest curse of all.

There is no point to dreaming, and it saddens me. For, my whole life up until now has been a dream. I have been far away from life in the real world, trapped in an oasis. Now, that I have grown old enough to taste the rotten soup of life’s servings, I start to think that there is no point to anything. There is no point in aspiring for a goal, for no matter the goal, it will turn out to be a hellhole in the end.