It Is Taboo To Believe

January 18, 2008

In this modern world of ours, it is not allowed to believe that one is worth the slightest thing. To imagine that one is destined for greater things in life is a sin. The world revolves around such these modern ideas, that the world is a collective and that all people are equals.

People may be equal in worth, but not in destiny. Everyone is said to deserve, and have the right to, a better life – a life of health and happiness. Though none of this is untrue, I find that World contradicts itself on a regular basis. In my head I simply can not balance the equation.

If World claims that people deserve to be healthy and happy, that these two conditions are basic human rights, then how can World teach that no person is allowed to see themselves as deserving of a better life? In theory everything may be perfect, but in practice, it is not.

The society which has raised me has taught me that I am no one. I am no one to say that I am a good person, that I deserve anything in life. That I have feared to proritize myself has led to my current state of mind.

I am a nursing student, and a terribly unhappy one, for what it matters. I had a vision of changing the world, but half a year has destoryed most of me. My health has been on the decline since day one, and with it,my happiness. My inspiration is gone with the wind, the flame of my passions has turned to ashes.

That I feel like person destined for greater things in life, is not accepted. No one should excel, for if one person does, the rest of the world may feel that they are of lesser worth. They are not, for all people are unique.

Some people make excellent nurses because they are caring and have hearts of gold. They are genuinely interested in the welfare of others. Some people make excellent jewelers because they are creative and have the yes needed for detailed work. Some people make great doctors, for they have the wits and patience to go through the many years leading to their certification, they too, care about people.

Among all these people, who all are different, and of equal worth, some are different. Some people are not like others, just because everyone is unique. But these people are destined to lead lives of unhappiness, all because their success would outshine others’.

I often feel that I lack the words to express my frustration. I will let the law that defines the society I have been born as part of express it instead of me.

The Jante Law:

  • Don’t think that you are special.
  • Don’t think that you are of the same standing as us.
  • Don’t think that you are smarter than us.
  • Don’t fancy yourself as being better than us.
  • Don’t think that you know more than us.
  • Don’t think that you are more important than us.
  • Don’t think that you are good at anything.
  • Don’t laugh at us.
  • Don’t think that anyone cares about you.
  • Don’t think that you can teach us anything.

If a mentality, like the one by the law expressed above, is allowed to guide the decisions of a society’s people, do you imagine that the people will turn out as a happy people? From my own experience, I can say no.

The people of my country all have the same expression, the expression I have found myself exhibiting as of late. There is no glint in any eye, the lips are tightly pressed together, all views are blank stares. The colors are matte, the atmoshpere depressed. And it is all because the people have been taught, since childhood, that they are not worth a thing.

An excerpt from the Wikipedia article concerning Swedish Culture:

Swedes have an egalitarian outlook. The concept of Jante Law is in many areas and fields still today strong in Sweden, and any form of elitism is likely to meet strong criticism. This attitude goes in hand with the Swedish lagomhet, the appraisal of modesty and humbleness.

I have a suffocating feeling come over me at times. Recently, it is like it never has left my side. Day as night I have a mare clenching my chest, squeezing life out of me. I feel that this world is not mine, that there is nothing I can do to pull myself off the ground and soar.

(The mare I will never be rid of, for she is part of me. My mind has summoned her presence, and one can not rid oneself of one’s demons, does one not want them to go away.)

I would never make a great nurse. I may make a good nurse, but people who are in need of care and kindness are not in need of good nurses – they need great nurses, nurses who are passionate about their profession.

I would never make a great jeweler. I may make a good jeweler, but any successful one nees to be passionate. No matter how many noble stones and shimmering objects I were to be surrounded by, the mare compressing my chest would whisper in my ear, tell me that I am destined for greater things in life.

I would never make a great doctor. I may make a good doctor, but I would lack the passion and commitment. For, in my eyes, my life would be over by the time I finished my medical studies. I am a free spirit, I am a carefree soul. My heart would roam the vast praries was it ever allowed to. To spend 7 years of my life enrolled in studies of subjects with a common goal, would be the end of me.

No, I would never make a great anything – not a jeweler like I wish to be, nor a nurse as I am on my way to be. Neither would I make a good doctor, as everyone tells me to be. The reason for this is that I would feel my life lacked something.

I feel this already, the lack of a spice in life. The spice of new innovations, of success. For, I want to make a name for myself, I wish to become someone. The Law of Jante, having told me to never believe I am someone, has made my carefree soul tire. It wishes to soar, to throw the stupid laws onto their back, leave them squiggling in the mud.

But to tell the world that I am worth something. No, that will never happen. It is not accepted. It is taboo to actually believe in oneself. It is a sin to believe that one is more than others.

And yet, this is what I feel. I am destined for greater things, I have a superior mind. The people who my days are filled with, they may be sweet and kind, but I lack their passion. The people who I study with, they will all make great nurses one day, no doubt, but I will not. These sweet people do however struggle, they find the studies challenging. It is this which has made me aware of that I am destined for other things. I sleep in class (though my eyes are open) and still I excel. To lead such a life is not challenging and will eventually start to degrade one from the passionate core and beyound.

The dreams I had of one day changing the world for the better, they are all gone my now. The blazing embers that fueled my passions, they have been put out. Whatever part of me that was eunthusiastic has been turned to grey ashes. One breath – and they will turn to the finest dust, easily carried away by the wind.

Upon seeing myself in a mirror, this is exactly what I see – my face degrading into fine, grey ashes. The slightest breath wears me down, and whatever I am constructed by is carried away to a far away place.

It is hurtful to see one go through all this, and all because of a society’s disturbed ideals. That everyone should be the same, that the gifted should sattle for the second best, so no one is to be hurt. My whole life I have however been left wondering – “What about the gifted, what about those who excel? Who is to care for these people? Who will see to their best?”

A society which does not appreciate the talent that is hidden within, should not be allowed to exist.

I find myself an increasingly cynical person, someone without a place in life. Every morning and evening when I pass by my bedroom mirror, I am forced to close my eyes. For, I know that beyound the silver glass, there is a reflection of a broken person. The broken person is every morning and evening turned to ashes and carried away by the wind.

To be destined for great things is hard, especially when it is taboo to believe.

A Footnote:

Upon reading this text through, I realize that I failed to get my point across. I lost it during writing this block of text. At least I was relieved of some angst.

I do however hope that you do not judge me for my views, just as much as you judge a cettle for boiling when placed above a fire.

If there is but one thing I know (I wish it was what I want to spend my life doing, but sadly, that revelation I am still on the market for) it is that I can not stay in this country in which I have been raised.


One Response to “It Is Taboo To Believe”

  1. […] I outlined in my January 18th entry It Is Taboo To Believe, it is hard for a genuine Swede to believe themself […]

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