Ignoring the Decision of the Heart

January 7, 2008

What is the point of a life lost?

Contemplate it, just for the sake of it. The question may be more worth than you realize.

So, please, contemplate the above words. And first and foremost, make sure that you never end up in a situation similar to mine.

And, even if Oscar Wilde once said that:
“We all live in gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

What he forgot to mention was that when the stars are clouded or have lost their appeal, then gutter is all we see.

I read in a journal that appeared on the Today page [on deviantART] that life is all about opening doors. I find that the deviant who authored those words is in a situation similar to mine.

The Deviant Rahll wrote in his journal that we all have two doors to choose from every time we have to make a choice. One can only pass through one door, which leads to a new room which in turn has two new doors.

I find myself trapped in such a room. I have two doors before me:

The one to my left leads to a life of nursing. It is the left door because the left cerebral hemisphere contains the logical and analytical functions, those which create problems for me.

The door to my right leads to a life of creativity. It is the right door because the right cerebral hemispere is the creative one.

When I search my heart for answers to which door I should choose, I find that it is the right door that I wish to pass through. That is where my passion lies. That, and it is the right door for me.

The problem with these two doors is however that I already have opened the left door of nursing. Beyound it I find myself in a financially secure future, but without happiness.

From beyound the right door I can hear my favourite song playing, muffled, because the door is closed.

Where My Heart Will Take Me– Vocal by Russell Watson, Lyrics by Diane Warren.

It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing´s in my way.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna hold me down.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna change my mind.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

I´ve known the wind so cold, and seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.
But I´ll be fine.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith.

I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long road.

So, the question is why I do not do anything to get back on my feet.

It is because my left cerebral hemisphere is the dominant one, but it won the tug-o-war struggle to power by little more than an inch. My cerebral hemispheres are of equal strength. I am talented in many areas both within the sciences and the arts. Some would say that I as a result of that is less talented in the areas than those with clearly dominant hemispheres are, and I am prone to agree. That, as well as the fact that I have no idea which side right and left are.
Tell me to go to the right, and there is a 50% chance that I actually do that. Totally random in other words.

Because the left hemisphere is in power, for now, the right insists on struggling and questioning. It will not give up without a fight.

But, even if my whole being has made its decision, I find it to be hard to follow it through. I like to play it safe. That the left- and right door’s monthly salaries differ by $11’000 just makes my choice harder to make and follow through with.

And it is all due to the x in the equation of my life. The unkown.

See? This is what my left hemisphere makes me do! Write equations!

Problem 1: If I choose the left door, the Door of Nursing, I will continue my nursing studies for the upcoming 2½ years. After that, I have to work for one year before studying for my Master’s in Nursing, which will take 3 years to complete.

Age: 18 + 3 + 1+ 3 = 25

Offers: A finacially stable life and a boring job which I will dislike to the day I retire.

Conclusion: That I will be 25 years of age before I have even started living. This leaves me 5 years to find Mr. Right (who also can be entitled x). As I do not seek nor want to pursue a life in the country I happen to be born in, I have to seek a future abroad. And, because all princesses have to kiss many frogs to find their prince, 5 years is too little time. For, if I do not have children by 30, my life is lost. And no. Do not come and tell me that the unknown in the equation may stumble across my path somewhere along the way, because that is highly unlikely. And such elements are not considered in logical equations.

The conclusion to the 1st problem is then that while the problem presents a finacially stable future, it does not offer much else.

Problem 2: If I choose the right door, the Door of Creativity, I will drop out of nursing school. I will probably study languages at the University of Stockholm while finishing the two novels that lie within my head. I will also finish writing and illustrate the 4 children’s books that lie next to the novels. Having done this, I will then seek new challenges outside the realm of science, and I may quite possibly end up a goldsmith.

Age: Not defined as I may leave the country whenever I feel like it.

Offers: A creative and fulfilling life which offers many more opportunities for finding the unknown.

Conclusion: Choosing the right door will mean that I make the right choice. I will not have to worry about having time to spare, for I will have all the time in the world. To study a handicraft one can do both in a school setting as well as an apprentice. I will eventually come to choose the apprentice option. This, I can do both at home and abroad. Finally getting out among people, the unknown x may cross my path at any time.

The conlusion to the 2nd problem is then that even if the opinion does not offer any finacial stability, it may offer everything else I ask for.

The problem with this is, as already mentioned, that I just can not quit something I have started. If I ever do quit my nursing studies it will be proof of my right cerebral hemisphere’s strength, that it is a force my left hemisphere has ignored for too long and now has to take it into account.

But, everyone tells me that enduring the agony I have suffered for so long, is the right thing to do. And when people tell me that, then I become insecure, wondeirng if quitting nursing school then perhaps is a mistake after all.

I have however searched my heart for answers, and I have come up with an answer. The question is what should one do when one is too weak to manage closing the door one has already opened, and open a new one behind which the rain does not fall?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: