Microchimerism And Theories

January 29, 2008

The February issue of Scientific American was awaiting me as I arrived home today. Its major theme was the next generation of physics, which I found to be interesting. Even more intriguing, however, I found the article concerning microchimerism Your Cells Are My Cells to be.

What originally caught my interest was the term microchimerism as I had encountered the similar term “chimera” before. Admittedly, it was in an episode of CSI (4:23), but I found the concept of merged fraternal twins to be highly fascinating (and equally question-rendering). I, for one, could not truly get my head around the term, for of all the knowledge I possess, the possibility of two different sets of cells coexisting, was lacking. I yet to this day have to find an explaination of the phenomenom which comforts my wondering mind.

Regarding the Scientific American article, written by a J. Lee Nelson, it rendered some of my confusion obsolete, but in turn, it awoke new questions. The article presented the subject of microchimerism and that most (if not all) people are microchimeric. The reson for this being so has not yet fully been explained, but of what is known this far, mother and child exchanges cellular material during pregnancy. This astonishing fact was unearthed due to the discovery of cells containing Y-chromosomes in women who have been pregnant with sons, the time elapsed since being unsignificant.

The microchimerism may be both harmful and protective to the tissues. Foreign immune cells may harm the host tissue and create reumatism-like symtoms. The host’s immune cells may also, in turn, attack transferred cells in tissue. The effects of microchimerism are however not all harmful, in fact, the transferred cells may become an incorporated part of the host tissue and quite possibly aid the tissue in its regeneration process.

That the transferred cells may help the host tissue to regenerate, coupled with the fact that women with arthritis often experience improvements of their condition while pregnant, makes my mind wander off among possible theories.

Of course, me lacking further education in all concerned areas of study, may be negative in the context, that I construct theories regarding things I know nothing about. Of course, there are a selected few out in the world who have come up with excellent theories regarding things, all because they did not know a lot about all the problems associated with their new theories. In the end, however, these uninformed theories have proven vital to the evolution of future hypothesises.

I think that microchimerism has evolved because of its positive qualities. That it at times is harmful may be an effect that evolution this far has been unable to correct. A mutation that leads to a deformed haemoglobin molecule has proven to render its carrier immune to malaria. Two versions of this mutation does however affect the individual in a harmful way, they develop sickle-cell anemia. I believe that something similar to this perk of life, is true for microchimerism.

Because people are individuals with individual sets of DNA, they are as a result better adapted to face different challenges. Even mothers and their children are different, all because of the random mutations which happen every once in a while and the re-sequencing of the DNA base-pairs. A mother may because of this be immune toward a certain illness or condition, while her child is not. That they during her pregnancy exchange cells, may impede the effect of their individual differences to some degree. So, by exchanging cells with her child, a mother may protect her offspring. In the same way, she may be protected by new mutations which may have arisen in her child’s genetic material. In my opinion, microchimerism exists because of its possible beneficial qualities, that two generations may benefit from benign mutations that have arisen in one generation.

The article further argues, that a child may pass some of its cells along to its mother and that the mother in turn may pass some of those cells along to her next child, means that a beneficial mutation may come to assist a new generation as a whole. This may also have sped up the rate of evolution, which generally is a slow process. By enabling a mutation that has originated in one individual to be transferred to several others, though in a lesser quantity, decreases the chances of a beneficial mutation being lost. Evolution is painstakenly slow – a mutation may happen only once in a million years and in one individual. If this individual later would perish because of external forces, without passing its mutation on to the next generation, the million years that rendered the mutation would have been for nothing. If the mutation however had been assigned a safe haven in the genetic material of a sibling (or mother) it can survive and benefit the further evolution of a species.

Let me illustrate this through an example. Say that a mouse population is affected by a disease which degrades tissue, leading to death before reproduction. One of the mice is pregnant and one of its fetuses has developed a mutation that will render it immune toward the disease. The mutated fetus and its mother exchanges cells, as do the other fetuses, making the mutation spread to the mother and siblings. After birth, the mouse with the mutation is caught by a cat and killed, meaning that it never will reproduce. Its mother and siblings do however carry some of its cells. A later pregnancy of the mother’s may incorporate the mutation into the new litter, as will the siblings as they reproduce. The siblings will be able to reproduce because some of their cells are those of their deceased sibling. If they become infected, the mutated cells may protect the tisssues around them, because of their immunity, enabling the mice carrying the mutated cells to reproduce to a further extent when compared to the mice which do not carry similar mutated cells. All it takes is for one of the descendants of the cell-carrying mice to have fused with one of the mutated cells at a very early stage in its fetal development, creating a true chimera. This chimeric mouse is immune to the disease, as well as possibly being able to pass the mutated cells along as one of its own. Its offspring will thrive and not be affected by the diesease, eventually rendering the disease extinct. This concludes that the mutation and the microchimerism assist each other in helping a species evolve.

As above mentioned, pregnant women experience a dampening of arthritis symtoms when compared to those experienced before and after the pregnancy. As it is during pregnancy that cells are exchanged between the mother and child, the child’s cells seem to have traits that ease the mother’s symtoms. This is however just a side-effect, I theorize. The cell’s main trait must be that they excrete a substance which will enable them to fuse with the mother’s tissue. The substance excreted is what affects the mother’s auto-immune condition. As foreign cells usually are attacked by the body’s immune system, it must be “tamed” beforehand. This is what the substance does.

The author of the Scientific American-article has explored this topic already, even if the results are not yet crystal-clear. I do however believe that further study of the subject will provide new possibilities for mankind. The extraction of the immune system-taming substance, for example, will provide new hope for those in need of tissue or organ transplants, as well as those suffering from auto-immune conditions.


It Is All Worship

January 24, 2008

A documentary was presented before me yesterday evening by the channel that had been left on, after the previous show had ended. It was a documentary about fashion models – the models, the modelling profession and the life both on and back stage.

I am the kind of person, that have I started to watch a show or a movie (or read a book), I have to finish watching/reading. Even if the plot fails to engage me, I have to know in what way the story ends or I will be consumed by Mind’s theories of how the story was finished. I have way too many more important things to consider, so I figure it is better to spend an hour or two watching, perhaps finding something in the production hilarious, than to listen to Mind for the rest of the day.

Back on topic…

As I watched the documentary, containing interviews with people having been labeled “super models,” interviews with people involved in the business, the life of the models etc. etc., I was struck by the similarity between the worship of super models and ancient times’ heroes (and even further back in time, deities).

In the modern world of today, the deities and heroes of the past, are since long gone. All the major religions and beliefs are based upon holy people who have not wandered the world for quite some time.

Christianity has its God, his son and the people who play their roles in the Holy Book. Judaism has the same characters in their holy scriptures, but without the son. The same accounts for Islam.

In the non-monotheistic religions, the same things are true. Buddhism is based upon the teachings of the Buddha, before his passing, and the deities of Hinduism lived many centuries ago.

It is the same for all religions – they are based upon the actions of people and deities which have not been seen for a very long time. No wonder that the modern man is in need of people of less spiritual, and more real and obtainable, qualities.

The modern heroes and, I dare say it, deities, are people who have become someone – super models, but also, musicians and actors and the like. These are people who are a little more down to earth, and people who most others can relate to. They are separate from the world either by their appearance or their talents, but they are still people who wander the streets of the world. The belief of that one one day may come across them during a daily adventure, means a lot and provides strength to the worship of them.

People are in desperate need of someone who can guide them, someone for them to worship. The religions of the world may be the most important for some, but when they are lacking real people, people who one can connect with take their place.

I see no other reason for why people whose lives have been exposed are offered the kind of worship which they actually enjoy on a daily basis. They become the role models of the youth, the become the object of the young’s desires.

People have a need for worship. And as long as they are happy, they may continue. I simply find it fascinating in which ways the human mind and form work. In the end, however, it is all worship.

Late evenings are best spent with a cup of steaming hot tea, a fruit or some bread, while curled up in a comfortable sofa. The hair left undone, wild as it was meant to be. Comfortable clothes which one only dare to wear at home and late at night, when no one is around.

Late evenings like these spur many thoughts. I am not one of a dying breed, I am one of a breed that during recent years has grown in numbers, lured more people to join. The breed has been looked upon, joked about, seen as being of a lesser value. Ill fit in society, having escaped to where they can not be judged.

Late at night, when all lights are out, their faces are still lit. The dim blue from a screen is reflected in their eyes. Their faces are always motionless, though they however may feature a swift smile or a single tear.

The people who this description fits, are people who are just like I. They are people who have not dared to enter the real world, they fear losing control. They know what the late evenings provide, they know nothing of the gifts of the world, for they have yet to discover them.

During the day people like I sit and sigh. They are gloomy, the dim blue of a screen has rid their faces of all their colors. Eyes half open, every breath a challenge. What they long for the most the day can not provide. It is when darkness falls that they are truly alive.

They take little time to come home, having completed the daily chores. They rid themselves of all memories of the day, the clothes go into the laundry, the hair is undone. A pair of slippers cover their feet, the steaming cup of tea is always nearby.

A pale hand is stretched out far, reaching for the piece of technology which brings meaning into their lives. A remote control, stylish colorful and black. A finger brushes up toward the first button and the dim screen is lit yet again. The blue light which is reflected by their faces is the only contact they ever have with anything. The faces smiling from beyound the screen is the only volountary contact they have with people during the day.

Emotionally drained, or scared of pouring their soul into something, they stare blankly into the air, their eyes seeing things swirling past on a screen lit from behind. The only way people like this can ever feel and experience, is through the actions of others, the emotions people of plastic have been payed to perform.

When tragic stories are presented before them, they may cry and rid themselves of the feelings they have bottled up inside. When romantic stories are dancing before their eyes, they sit and sigh, wondering why such wonderful feelings, such magical experiences never are theirs to adore.

Blind are these people, those to whom I belong, who believe that they never will soar, having been too scared to ever take off and see if they can fly. Saddening it also is for these people, who disappear while being in front of screen. They withdraw from the world, convinced that their only friends, their only allies in life, are those who never have been born.

It can be argued forever if it is wrong for people to adore others who never have been true, people whose faces belong to others, who are real, but who in turn does not know that their audience exists.

Some may say that these people are fed with lies, stories which never have been true. But these people have understood something others have not – the importance of being able to dream.

The dream, the idea, of one day being a special someone, like the ones being romanticized on screen, is what keeps these people alive.

As one of these people – as one of a dreaming, non-dying breed, still being one with the ability to reason and argue – I say that this breed should be let be. For, one day, they will all walk down a street and bump into a person who upon looking them into the eyes knows that they have found their special someone who they will share the rest of their life with.

Upon having seen eternity in someone else’s eyes, the plastic people of the dim blue light, the people who are not themselves, will no longer appeal to the breed to which I belong. For, what they have dreamed of during late evenings with steaming cups of tea, is now theirs, now and forever more.

It Is Taboo To Believe

January 18, 2008

In this modern world of ours, it is not allowed to believe that one is worth the slightest thing. To imagine that one is destined for greater things in life is a sin. The world revolves around such these modern ideas, that the world is a collective and that all people are equals.

People may be equal in worth, but not in destiny. Everyone is said to deserve, and have the right to, a better life – a life of health and happiness. Though none of this is untrue, I find that World contradicts itself on a regular basis. In my head I simply can not balance the equation.

If World claims that people deserve to be healthy and happy, that these two conditions are basic human rights, then how can World teach that no person is allowed to see themselves as deserving of a better life? In theory everything may be perfect, but in practice, it is not.

The society which has raised me has taught me that I am no one. I am no one to say that I am a good person, that I deserve anything in life. That I have feared to proritize myself has led to my current state of mind.

I am a nursing student, and a terribly unhappy one, for what it matters. I had a vision of changing the world, but half a year has destoryed most of me. My health has been on the decline since day one, and with it,my happiness. My inspiration is gone with the wind, the flame of my passions has turned to ashes.

That I feel like person destined for greater things in life, is not accepted. No one should excel, for if one person does, the rest of the world may feel that they are of lesser worth. They are not, for all people are unique.

Some people make excellent nurses because they are caring and have hearts of gold. They are genuinely interested in the welfare of others. Some people make excellent jewelers because they are creative and have the yes needed for detailed work. Some people make great doctors, for they have the wits and patience to go through the many years leading to their certification, they too, care about people.

Among all these people, who all are different, and of equal worth, some are different. Some people are not like others, just because everyone is unique. But these people are destined to lead lives of unhappiness, all because their success would outshine others’.

I often feel that I lack the words to express my frustration. I will let the law that defines the society I have been born as part of express it instead of me.

The Jante Law:

  • Don’t think that you are special.
  • Don’t think that you are of the same standing as us.
  • Don’t think that you are smarter than us.
  • Don’t fancy yourself as being better than us.
  • Don’t think that you know more than us.
  • Don’t think that you are more important than us.
  • Don’t think that you are good at anything.
  • Don’t laugh at us.
  • Don’t think that anyone cares about you.
  • Don’t think that you can teach us anything.

If a mentality, like the one by the law expressed above, is allowed to guide the decisions of a society’s people, do you imagine that the people will turn out as a happy people? From my own experience, I can say no.

The people of my country all have the same expression, the expression I have found myself exhibiting as of late. There is no glint in any eye, the lips are tightly pressed together, all views are blank stares. The colors are matte, the atmoshpere depressed. And it is all because the people have been taught, since childhood, that they are not worth a thing.

An excerpt from the Wikipedia article concerning Swedish Culture:

Swedes have an egalitarian outlook. The concept of Jante Law is in many areas and fields still today strong in Sweden, and any form of elitism is likely to meet strong criticism. This attitude goes in hand with the Swedish lagomhet, the appraisal of modesty and humbleness.

I have a suffocating feeling come over me at times. Recently, it is like it never has left my side. Day as night I have a mare clenching my chest, squeezing life out of me. I feel that this world is not mine, that there is nothing I can do to pull myself off the ground and soar.

(The mare I will never be rid of, for she is part of me. My mind has summoned her presence, and one can not rid oneself of one’s demons, does one not want them to go away.)

I would never make a great nurse. I may make a good nurse, but people who are in need of care and kindness are not in need of good nurses – they need great nurses, nurses who are passionate about their profession.

I would never make a great jeweler. I may make a good jeweler, but any successful one nees to be passionate. No matter how many noble stones and shimmering objects I were to be surrounded by, the mare compressing my chest would whisper in my ear, tell me that I am destined for greater things in life.

I would never make a great doctor. I may make a good doctor, but I would lack the passion and commitment. For, in my eyes, my life would be over by the time I finished my medical studies. I am a free spirit, I am a carefree soul. My heart would roam the vast praries was it ever allowed to. To spend 7 years of my life enrolled in studies of subjects with a common goal, would be the end of me.

No, I would never make a great anything – not a jeweler like I wish to be, nor a nurse as I am on my way to be. Neither would I make a good doctor, as everyone tells me to be. The reason for this is that I would feel my life lacked something.

I feel this already, the lack of a spice in life. The spice of new innovations, of success. For, I want to make a name for myself, I wish to become someone. The Law of Jante, having told me to never believe I am someone, has made my carefree soul tire. It wishes to soar, to throw the stupid laws onto their back, leave them squiggling in the mud.

But to tell the world that I am worth something. No, that will never happen. It is not accepted. It is taboo to actually believe in oneself. It is a sin to believe that one is more than others.

And yet, this is what I feel. I am destined for greater things, I have a superior mind. The people who my days are filled with, they may be sweet and kind, but I lack their passion. The people who I study with, they will all make great nurses one day, no doubt, but I will not. These sweet people do however struggle, they find the studies challenging. It is this which has made me aware of that I am destined for other things. I sleep in class (though my eyes are open) and still I excel. To lead such a life is not challenging and will eventually start to degrade one from the passionate core and beyound.

The dreams I had of one day changing the world for the better, they are all gone my now. The blazing embers that fueled my passions, they have been put out. Whatever part of me that was eunthusiastic has been turned to grey ashes. One breath – and they will turn to the finest dust, easily carried away by the wind.

Upon seeing myself in a mirror, this is exactly what I see – my face degrading into fine, grey ashes. The slightest breath wears me down, and whatever I am constructed by is carried away to a far away place.

It is hurtful to see one go through all this, and all because of a society’s disturbed ideals. That everyone should be the same, that the gifted should sattle for the second best, so no one is to be hurt. My whole life I have however been left wondering – “What about the gifted, what about those who excel? Who is to care for these people? Who will see to their best?”

A society which does not appreciate the talent that is hidden within, should not be allowed to exist.

I find myself an increasingly cynical person, someone without a place in life. Every morning and evening when I pass by my bedroom mirror, I am forced to close my eyes. For, I know that beyound the silver glass, there is a reflection of a broken person. The broken person is every morning and evening turned to ashes and carried away by the wind.

To be destined for great things is hard, especially when it is taboo to believe.

A Footnote:

Upon reading this text through, I realize that I failed to get my point across. I lost it during writing this block of text. At least I was relieved of some angst.

I do however hope that you do not judge me for my views, just as much as you judge a cettle for boiling when placed above a fire.

If there is but one thing I know (I wish it was what I want to spend my life doing, but sadly, that revelation I am still on the market for) it is that I can not stay in this country in which I have been raised.

Cynism is Not For Me

January 8, 2008

I have decided that a while now has passed. That decision also brings (yet another) revelation – that I am eddicted to sharing my thoughts. Ah, well, there are far more (and less philosophical) things to be addicted to.

The point of this journal (which I shall try to keep as short as Josephinely possible) is that life never should be affected by the bad choices one is bound to make. At least not in the long run.

My heart has already made a decision and it is that it is on strike until further notice. (Further notice being when I have rid myself of my demons (i.e. dropped out of nursing school).) Until I have done that, I will not be truly happy.

I am sure there are poeple in this world who can live with not being truly happy, but I am not one of them. I am the kind of person who would choose happiness and love over money.

Part of being human is to make mistakes. We learn through practice.

Oscar Wilde said:
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

A common saying says [upon the topic of mistakes]:
It human to make mistakes.” or “Failing is human. Just don’t stop trying.

And, you will have to agree with me upon this, that even if one makes one bad mistake, it should not disease one’s entire existance. We should learn from the mistakes of the past for they are the revelations of tomorrow.

I will list some bad choices I have made before:

  • Eaten sand
  • Go fishing without bringing anyone to actually kill the fish for me
  • Bully people twice my size
  • Believe people when they say that I fail
  • Not stand up for my views

And these I have learnt to never do again (OK, almost)! Then why should I have to follow through and suffer from having made the greatest mistake of my life?

I agree that I yet do not know what to do with my life, but at least I know what to not do with my life. Like eating sand or finishing nursing school.

I have realized, that I have only one life and I must treasure it. Everyone should treasure their own lives and not do things because it will make others happy.

Should I follow through with my nursing studies, and against all odds actually practice as a nurse, I will be the sadistic nurse you have all met and despise and fear. I will be the nurse who hates her life and her job and the entire world, and most of all you who needs her help. She does not want to help you, she wants to see your eyes bleed. Because she wishes she was someone else, just that she has not had the courage to follow her dream.

I am often too cocky for my own good and when I am not I have to learn to be. This world gives nothing for free (capitalistic as it is (it is sad really)) and in order to get something one has to fight for it.

For in the end, all that matters is that one is happy (and I who am fairy-tale poisoned actually believe in that!). For, when one is happy, everyone else around one is happy too.

You have to agree. Reading my depressed rants is not fun. You want to read happy journals, happy revelations, not cynical, sadistic ones. For, you all want to believe that the world is a blessed place and that we all should be happy. You believe this deep inside even if you are the cynical person I have decided not to be.

What is the point of a life lost?

Contemplate it, just for the sake of it. The question may be more worth than you realize.

So, please, contemplate the above words. And first and foremost, make sure that you never end up in a situation similar to mine.

And, even if Oscar Wilde once said that:
“We all live in gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

What he forgot to mention was that when the stars are clouded or have lost their appeal, then gutter is all we see.

I read in a journal that appeared on the Today page [on deviantART] that life is all about opening doors. I find that the deviant who authored those words is in a situation similar to mine.

The Deviant Rahll wrote in his journal that we all have two doors to choose from every time we have to make a choice. One can only pass through one door, which leads to a new room which in turn has two new doors.

I find myself trapped in such a room. I have two doors before me:

The one to my left leads to a life of nursing. It is the left door because the left cerebral hemisphere contains the logical and analytical functions, those which create problems for me.

The door to my right leads to a life of creativity. It is the right door because the right cerebral hemispere is the creative one.

When I search my heart for answers to which door I should choose, I find that it is the right door that I wish to pass through. That is where my passion lies. That, and it is the right door for me.

The problem with these two doors is however that I already have opened the left door of nursing. Beyound it I find myself in a financially secure future, but without happiness.

From beyound the right door I can hear my favourite song playing, muffled, because the door is closed.

Where My Heart Will Take Me– Vocal by Russell Watson, Lyrics by Diane Warren.

It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing´s in my way.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna hold me down.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna change my mind.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

I´ve known the wind so cold, and seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.
But I´ll be fine.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith.

I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long road.

So, the question is why I do not do anything to get back on my feet.

It is because my left cerebral hemisphere is the dominant one, but it won the tug-o-war struggle to power by little more than an inch. My cerebral hemispheres are of equal strength. I am talented in many areas both within the sciences and the arts. Some would say that I as a result of that is less talented in the areas than those with clearly dominant hemispheres are, and I am prone to agree. That, as well as the fact that I have no idea which side right and left are.
Tell me to go to the right, and there is a 50% chance that I actually do that. Totally random in other words.

Because the left hemisphere is in power, for now, the right insists on struggling and questioning. It will not give up without a fight.

But, even if my whole being has made its decision, I find it to be hard to follow it through. I like to play it safe. That the left- and right door’s monthly salaries differ by $11’000 just makes my choice harder to make and follow through with.

And it is all due to the x in the equation of my life. The unkown.

See? This is what my left hemisphere makes me do! Write equations!

Problem 1: If I choose the left door, the Door of Nursing, I will continue my nursing studies for the upcoming 2½ years. After that, I have to work for one year before studying for my Master’s in Nursing, which will take 3 years to complete.

Age: 18 + 3 + 1+ 3 = 25

Offers: A finacially stable life and a boring job which I will dislike to the day I retire.

Conclusion: That I will be 25 years of age before I have even started living. This leaves me 5 years to find Mr. Right (who also can be entitled x). As I do not seek nor want to pursue a life in the country I happen to be born in, I have to seek a future abroad. And, because all princesses have to kiss many frogs to find their prince, 5 years is too little time. For, if I do not have children by 30, my life is lost. And no. Do not come and tell me that the unknown in the equation may stumble across my path somewhere along the way, because that is highly unlikely. And such elements are not considered in logical equations.

The conclusion to the 1st problem is then that while the problem presents a finacially stable future, it does not offer much else.

Problem 2: If I choose the right door, the Door of Creativity, I will drop out of nursing school. I will probably study languages at the University of Stockholm while finishing the two novels that lie within my head. I will also finish writing and illustrate the 4 children’s books that lie next to the novels. Having done this, I will then seek new challenges outside the realm of science, and I may quite possibly end up a goldsmith.

Age: Not defined as I may leave the country whenever I feel like it.

Offers: A creative and fulfilling life which offers many more opportunities for finding the unknown.

Conclusion: Choosing the right door will mean that I make the right choice. I will not have to worry about having time to spare, for I will have all the time in the world. To study a handicraft one can do both in a school setting as well as an apprentice. I will eventually come to choose the apprentice option. This, I can do both at home and abroad. Finally getting out among people, the unknown x may cross my path at any time.

The conlusion to the 2nd problem is then that even if the opinion does not offer any finacial stability, it may offer everything else I ask for.

The problem with this is, as already mentioned, that I just can not quit something I have started. If I ever do quit my nursing studies it will be proof of my right cerebral hemisphere’s strength, that it is a force my left hemisphere has ignored for too long and now has to take it into account.

But, everyone tells me that enduring the agony I have suffered for so long, is the right thing to do. And when people tell me that, then I become insecure, wondeirng if quitting nursing school then perhaps is a mistake after all.

I have however searched my heart for answers, and I have come up with an answer. The question is what should one do when one is too weak to manage closing the door one has already opened, and open a new one behind which the rain does not fall?

Happy New Year

January 1, 2008

The new year is still in its infancy, the clock being no more than 4AM in the morning. Despite this fact, that a new year of possibilities has arrived, I am not truly happy.

I have a lot of great plans for my life that I would like to see realized, but when looking back at what I have accomplished this far, my aim is blurred, my vision goes blank. I fumble through the darkness, wondering how Josephine and her mind can escape the spinning circle of evil she has trapped herself in.

I find Josephine asking her mind if they ever will come to fully agree or if they are destined to argue over the course of the new year as well.

Josephine wonders whether she will ever be able to find the strength that she needs in order to find herself again, for the truth is, that she is lost. She wonders if she ever will be strong enough to dare follow her heart, for she knows, that it is what she has to do in order to be truly happy.

Her mind wonders if it ever will be able to think truly rationally, and take Josephine’s feelings into consideration at the same time.

I, being the being who unite these two beings, wonder if Josephine and her mind ever will find a way to agree, if they ever will be content with relying upon each other. I also find myself wondering if Josephine, I and our mind ever will find something to fight for, something to aim for, something to dream about.

For, there is nothing in this world which is so frustrating as not knowing what to do. To have at least the slightest sense of direction is a necessity in a human being’s life, for human beings love order and structure. Having been robbed of such essential structure and stability, by no one else than oneself, one finds oneself wondering, doubting, without dreams and goals.

And a broken person makes no one else happy, especially not oneself.

Earth is unimpressed by the course of time. It revolves around itself and around the star named Sol. So it has done for millions of years and it will remain doing so until the end of its days. At times, I wish that I could be as unimpressed by the passage of time, that I will not have to see my life flash past by the speed of light. But then again, my time upon this Earth is limited. Earth’s time is not limited, for in a human context, Earth is Time.

As Time passes by at the speed of Time, I find myself wondering if the goals I have set for my future ever will be realized. For truly they are many, and the realization of many goals take time. Perhaps more time than I have.

When setting out on a journey there are a few essentials that have to be considered. The goal is the most crucial aspect for without it there is no point to set out on the journey to begin with. The second aspect that has to be considered is time, but without the goal being clearly visualized, time is no longer a factor.

In the middle of this reasoning of mine, Mind has to get involved.

Josephine,” it says and smiles, “many are those who have set out on journeys without goals. Even greater in numbers are however those who set out on journeys with a goal in sight, a goal that over the course of time changes.”

Josephine, knowing her mind and their disagreements, tries to smile and say something, but is cut off by Mind.

Josephine,” Mind says and continues, “let me tell you a story, a story you are familar with. Remember, we wrote an essay on the topic [among others] in the year that now has passed.”

Mind clears its non-existant throat and starts telling the story.

Once upon a time there was a man whose name was Christopher Colombus. He had a goal in sight – to reach the Far East and bring its treasures back to Europe. The Far East could already be reached, but the journey there was treacherous and dangerous. Columbus was however an imaginative man and he thought that if one sailed far enough across the uncharted waters of the West, then one would reach the Far East.

Convinced that he was right he set out on his journey, after first having had to argue in its name before the Royal Spanish Court. Three ships were to accompany him on his journey, for three ships could carry many treasures back to Europe and make Colombus a wealthy man.

Having sailed for many weeks, he saw a few islands in the far distance. What he named them I can not recall, but he saw them and thus they must be real. Yet, to this day, no one but Colombus has seen those great islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

After a long journey, Colombus found Japan [in reality Cuba]. Its shape was however not the same as his map said it would have, so he tilted the drawing on his map to make it resemble reality. Farther to the South West, China would be, and delighted he set out.

Colombus did however never find a passage across half the globe to the Far East, but he discovered a New World, which came to pu his name on the map. Even is he himself never believed that he had found anything but the Far East.

An interesting story,” Josephine said and continued, “but what has it to do with me?

That, I can tell you, my dear Josephine. You see, Colombus was a no one before he discovered the New World. He did however never have the discovery of a New World before his eyes. The point of all this being, dear Josephine, that he became someone and made a difference to the world while aiming for something completely different.

Be a Colombus in terms of that you should let go of your goals and follow your heart, for it will in the end lead you to the place where you belong. Do not reach for what you know is poising. Dare to gamble, just this once. Let go of your goals, for most often, it is those without goals that end up reaching them.

That Josephine listened to this argument was obvious, for it was what she had believed all along. It was however Mind that was the hypocrite, it not believing in the words it just had uttered. It lacked the strength to realize the consensus of what it just had said.

So, everyone who is reading this, lift your glass of champagne and celebrate the arrival of the New Year together with me. No more sadness because of things one can easily affect. Only joy because life is smiling and we have been blessed with life time tickets to enjoy the ride Earth invites us to each and every year.

Lift your glass of champagne and cheer for the arrival of the new year!