The Decade That Revolves Backwards

October 17, 2007

There are times when I think that the earth revolves too slowly around this closest star we like to refer to as our sun. Our blazing, warming, smiling sun. Our very own star. I have not seen it for a while, the heavy clouds in the skies have kept me from being blessed hy its beams. Even if I am not allowed to catch a glimpse of it, I know that our pale blue orb in the sky revolves around it and at the same time it revolves around its own axis. This is common knowledge today, a hint of the countless advencements we have done since the firt sentient human being stood up in their homeland.

There are times when I think of what life must have been like, so many hundreds of centuries ago. In some ways it must have been so easy and in other ways so very hard. Easy in a way that they had no modern day worries to be concerned over, hard in a way because they always feared to be the next meal of a predator lurking in the grass – somewhere out there. They may have feared for their life at times but at least they did not have to endure the every day stress we modern humans surround ourselves with. We think we are advenced with our space-probing technology, our global communication and our baffling political battles. But really, are we much more than the ancient humans we are descended from, or are we still those people, just with other tools and modern equipment?

There are times when I feel that I am ready to give up, that I can not stand the clock on the wall revolving anti-clockwise. They days I live through are so short, and still they seem to be without end. I wish that the future would arrive soon, and still I do not want it to. I am scared that I soon will have to stand all on my own and still I can not wait for that day to arrive. The days I live through are so very short. Just a few more hours and I would be delighted. But it is not always that easy. Not everything turns out the way one wishes it to do – most often it turns out in a wholly different way.

College really has taken the best of me. I felt so sure of myself, confident that I would master all challenges laid before me. Because I am Josephine, the one and only. She who can do everything. And just as well she who believes in herself a little too much, a little too often. I am struggling to keep up with the lectures, I am struggling to understand. It is not hard, but I am not really all interested in it. I feel that I have done my share of years in school, I am ready to face greater challenges. I wish to face the greatest challenges of my life. Not in a decade, but now.

I have second guessed myself so many times. Especially after my first exam, which I barely passed. This is what I am supposed to be good at, and still I fail. Is this really what I am supposed to study, is this right for me? There are so many other occupations I would be happy with having, why am I not studying those subjects? I already know the answer, and still I second guess myself. Either I will not feel like I am accomplishing anything, or the profession I want to have does not exist. I searched the Internet during one of my darker days, time I had stolen from reading and preparing for my upcoming final exam in anatomy, I searched for a new direction, a new goal. I scrolled through a seemingly never ending list of possible professions, and I found none which intrigued me.

I already know what I wish the most to become. But my age keeps me from realizing this dream, my current life impeds those wishes. In a decade or so, I may fulfil that wish of mine. But a decade is a long time. If the clocks I have surrounded myself with are moving backwards, if the earth revolves around the sun in the worng direction – then what am I to do? Shall I endure these first 3 years of which I have finished only 2 months. Two months which feel like an eternity. And after the 3 years I have barely started, I have 1 year before me and 2 more. And then another 2 years. Then I can work, though I will have other things in mind – making preparations for fulfilling my life’s dream. Studying, in a sense, for the exam I have been looking foward to for so many years. To be part of a profession which is not recognized because it is too important to mention. Too important to claim one wishes to be a part of.

It is hard when one’s mind is older than one’s life. When I speak to people, I fool them into believeing I am someone else, simply by being myself. What is up with that? It is like the I and the me are two different people. The person people see is young and frail, scared of everything. The person I truly am is compassionate, caring and mature. That these two people do not mix very well together has created the visible illusion of a frail person with few social skills. I know why this is, why people percieve me as someone I am not. It is because the person I am never has mixed very well with the person other people see. To constantly never be understood because one is older than one is – that is what shapes a person with weak social skills in public. An outgoing, kind person is hidden beneath. And the stress of college had burid this true me even deeper, she has not had the time to surface for a long time – only through my occassional analysis of the world I live in.

I have to endure these stressful times, these hard days. The workload I have to endure, I will graduate into a profession I will love having but never feel fulfilled with being occupied with. I will do all this, live through the days that turn from day to morning instead of the other way around, all because I am a decade older than myself. One decade into the future I will be truly me. Holding the new life I have half created. And then, I will smile. Then I wil be fulfilled.


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