The Feelings of Sunset

October 3, 2007

The cloudy afternoon I found myself in the middle in, earlier today, has turned into a crisp and starry night. The velvet sky has spread its wings over the landscapes I call my home, my world, and chased the sunlight away over the horizon. It was a battle which had no winners. The day left with open wounds, coloring the sky in a deep crimson red before it went. The clouds were a matte reddish purple, for the darkness had colored them and so had the blood the day left behind. The night was hurt too, but the strongest of the two who battled each other. Its deep blue was scattered with holes, small tears in the fabric revealing what was hidden behind, a shining light, now scattering the skies as shimmering stars. It was a magnificent play to watch, and being nothing but a mere spectator of the great battle, I had the time to consider if I ever am going to win the battle I fight with myself.

Many are the things I wish to do and many more are the things I am expected to do. It is a fine line between remaining sane and losing it. In the midst of what I am supposed to do I feel the careful steps I take are less secure than ever before. I fear that if I look down from where I am now, I will lose my balance and fall. I do not know what awaits me on the bottom for I have not dared to give it a single glance.

I am afraid that I have done some bad choices in my life, though I have barely started to walk the roads they made me face. I keep second-guessing myself: “Is this right, what would I rather do?” Though it is silly to ask oneself questions one already knows the answer to, I still do, all in search of some reassurance I already know is not there.

But this is temporary, as are most other things. Some days are however worse then others, especially those days which are like today. A free day in the middle of the week and all I did was nothing. I did nothing useful for an entire day, but that does not make the day differ from any other day in my life. I spent the day pondering what will come next – my motivation’s glorius return or my mind’s gradual darkening. At least, an empty day like this, has spawned some new ideas, made already existing ones more clear. Perhaps there is some hope for me and my future after all.

The starry sky is like a reassuring friend, no matter what you ask it, it always twinkles and sparkles like a dear friend. It is reassuring to know, that there are eternal millions of shining lights which forever will guard one, even during the hardest of days.

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